Thanks so much guys...

Words can't express how precious your comments were to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage a stranger. It really helped. Thought I'd share a photo of me from this fall. Hair is darker now.

I DO know I can do this. I DO know it's possible and worth it. I know that I need to look at it in baby steps. THANK you for your encouragement. Each one of your... I read your comments that first day and have rehearsed them in my head since then.

I wish my head was completely "in the game" right now... but I feel that regardless of where "my head" is, I need to DO those things which bring me to where I want to be. There is a verse in the Bible, it's one of my favorite verses and it basically means that emotion follows action. NOT that action follows emotion. It means, take the steps to DO what you want to be doing, and your heart will catch up and want to be there with you. The verse is Proverbs 16:3 "Commit thy works unto the LORD and thy thoughts shall be established." Isn't that wonderful? Do you get what it's saying? Commit to doing the things you should do, and your heart will follow. What a wonderful promise. And the best thing?? This verse applies to SOOOO many other areas of life!

In a bad marriage.... you commit your works unto the LORD... which can be translated, BE nice to your spouse. Bless them, DO things for them, cook their favorite meal, tend to their needs. I know, it sounds crazy. In the beginning it will feel crazy... you will be mad at your spouse and hate them and the last thing you want to do is bless them. But the Bible verse is true! As you are DOING the things... going through the motions, even when your heart isn't there.... you heart will GET there. Your emotions will follow your actions. You will start to feel the joy and contentedness that comes from doing what is right. You will begin to take joy in the meal you are making them or the kind things you are doing. I hope that all makes sense. Just know that it's true. God's ways are higher than our ways, and I have proven this verse over in over in my own life. It also helps for women who struggle in the intimate areas... go through the motions of being a tigress in bed and all of the sudden your emotions caught up with you and you are really having a great time! Okay, enough of that. :)

I need to use this idea for weight loss!! JUST get on your treadmill, dummy. And you will really begin to enjoy it.... after a year or so. LOL. JK

Guess what??? I just did 23 minutes of Leslie Sansone's 2 mile walk! WOO HOO! Maybe tomorrow I'll do the whole thing! I'll do a little upper body work now on the floor. :)

Up to 260...

Well, I looked at the scale this morning, even though I didn't want to. I only did it because it had been so long since I had gotten on. 260. Wow.

It's beginning to feel more like a true addiction and life sentence now... so sad. Each night I go to sleep thinking of how wonderful it will be starting the next day out on my treadmill only to dismiss the idea the next morning. I WANT to be this person who cares for myself and my health... but yet, why in the world would I not get it for myself?? Why not go out and GET it?? I wanted to learn a foreign language... I went out, DID it and was an interpreter for a few years. I wanted to learn photography because I was fed up with mall studios and I could now launch a successful business if I wanted to... (but I don't... being a wife, mom and home-maker is my business of choice).

WHY OH WHY can't I just GET this for myself. I think I know why. Because it takes so stinking long. Especially when you have to lose 100. I honestly believe that I could learn Mandarin Chinese in less time than I could drop 50 lbs... and i feel in my heart like you have to suffer (not eating what you want) for SOOooooooooo long in order to get reusults... a life of depravation, going to bed hungry, passing on cake.... whine whine whine. I love cake. :(

I'm so pathetic. Do I love being thin more than cake??? I honestly don't know, because I can't remember what thin feels like. :( Okay... baby steps.... what can I do today? I will have a protein shake for breakfast... then 2 hours later have some cottage cheese with fruit. Yes... baby stepping.... like Bob did. (from that hilarious movie What About Bob?)

I'm really sorry...I haven't died...

I just haven't been working on this issue. It's so very utterly depressing. I'm thinking I need to throw money at the problem. Maybe a gym membership or a personal trainer? BUT, they say that you have to be ready in your 'head'. How do I get there? I need a rock bottom pill... a pill that makes it no longer worth it to eat biscuits and gravy and cake. :( Maybe I need the lap band. I just have to do something about this before the weight gets in the way of my mobility and ability to exercise.

I'm still here... I'm still here.

But I'm grumpy. See, I injured my back about 3.5 weeks ago. I was goofing off and landed hard on my bottom and felt something.... snap, I guess you could say. Since then, I have had the worst sciata pain that can be imagined. It feels like I am being electrocuted with a cattle prod down my buttocks and leg, almost ALL the time. Sometimes the pain is sharp and intense, like if I move wrong, I get a strong jolt down my leg.

I'm 98% sure that I ruptured a disc. That's what usually causes sciatic pain like this. I saw an after hours physician last week... and got the same answers I already knew... it should heal on it's own... take ibuprofin for the inflamation... use ice 3 times a day... he gave me a muscle relaxer called flexeril that makes me super tired. ALL THIS TO SAY THAT, it's been so discouraging and has made it very difficult to exercise. *POUT*

I love reading Diana's blog.... she's like a machine. She does what she's supposed to do every day, and I find that amazing. She's so on top of her plan! Sure... there are binges... but big deal... it's not every day! I like how she writes about the real struggles of it all. But, even though there are struggles... she does it every day! She does what she is supposed to do... and it just baffles me. I want that. I want to be that person so bad! But it seems so impossible... so very far away. I make excuses... that because I have 5 smaller children that I can't find the time... that I need my rest, etc etc etc. But, as my favorite quote goes - "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." Hmph.

Day 1 of plan... how did I do, food wise?

Breakfast: Fat free Cottage Cheese, Coffee with Creamer

Lunch: 1/2 Ham and Cheddar Sandwich, Grapes, few slices of sharp cheddar

Dinner: Cup of Coffee with Cream, Boca Burger Patty, Apple Cashew Salad (contained cheese too), carrots and cucumber slices, watermelon

Wow.... I'm thinking I did pretty good! I know that the cheese is high in calories, and so are the cashews... but over all, is this okay?? It's 10:45 now.... and I would normally be having a snack. I'm a TOTAL night owl... but I think I will try to go to bed. =( OH, how I would love to have a big snack right now.... and start a great movie. I think I will buy an air popper from Walmart tomorrow, so that I can pop some healthy popcorn in the evening with a little sea salt and olive oil. I AM proud of myself that I didn't eat too much bread today... or refinded carbs. Or sugar! Yay!!

Weigh In Day for Biggest Loser! :-O

WELL.... I was very surprised that I had gained about 10 lbs sometime in the last month or so. I knew we had been splurging and had one big meal of alfredo at Olive Garden.... but c'mon! Talk about discouraging! Sheesh. Scale said 261.4. OH. MY. WORD. Well, the game is on.

Breakfast: Fat free cottage cheese, coffee with creamer.

So excited about this Biggest Loser Contest!

Pic for today: Me, taken a few weeks ago at church with my friend Holly. (I'm the one who looks pregnant but is NOT. LOL)

Okay, so on Sept.1st, I weigh in for the biggest loser contest that I'm entering. It's for three months... and there is a money prize! As I said before, you pay $20 to enter, and the winner gets 75% of that... and second place gets 25%. OH MAN am I hoping that I can win this!!!

I'm making a plan. I think planning is important, right?? I'm going to menu plan for the week. Well, not Monday... Monday I'm going to eat anything I want... but then on Tuesday after I weigh in... it's ON. LOL. Olive Garden is having their never ending pasta bowl special and I may have to go and indulge in that before Tuesday!!

On other notes, our homeschool begins tomorrow. I have three in school this year... a 5th grader, a 2nd grader and a Kindergartener. Everything is all organized and ready for us to begin! The boys are sooo excited! Okay, I'll post more often as I finally commit to getting healthy!